Wow. What a whirlwind. What a difference a year makes.
I was lucky to be a part of a really cool project called Paper Bag Writers (www.paperbagwriters.net) that basically is all about using words and sharing anything you want on a paper bag. So when my bag arrived I was feeling super happy about where I am in my life and decided to trek back through some old blog posts…ironically, you’ll see an adaption of the last blog I wrote on here, on the bag. With the other side being one of my lowest of low entries (I was actually slightly upset to see I had deleted many of my low, emotional blogs…they were raw and real and got me to where I am today, but I don’t need to look back anymore).
Writing those words out reminded me that I hadn’t really blogged or even journaled in a while. (Although, I will say, I do partake in the “Jar of Happiness” that Liz Gilbert talks about, I try to write something down on a post-it every day that makes me smile!) So last Sunday, I grabbed some paper, a pen, a great soundtrack and some coffee and hit one of my favorite places (some bluffs off the ocean where my Grandpa’s ashes were spread years and years ago) and I wrote. And I cried. And I smiled. And I sang. And I thought. And wrote.
And I decided, I need to take that time at least once a week to do so…and I hope to continue to blog on here as an outlet.
Literally a year ago…ok, a year ago on November 14th…my cards began to align. After flailing for a year and questioning “why me” and crying and being sad…it all slowly started to make sense. A year ago my friend posted about a job. A year ago my sister picked up the phone to tell me it sounded like the perfect job for me. A year ago I said, “I don’t think so,” but still applied. Slowly, after that…things began making sense. I have old blogs that track back those days…the day when I flew to Albuquerque and moved all of my stuff into a UHAUL by myself…and then instantly moving forward with the position. The days of waiting and not hearing anything…and then the day I was offered the position and took it.
It changed my life.
I always preach about living the life you love, and until that point, I think I convinced myself that I was living that life. Until now. When I see now that I actually am happy. This is what happy looks like. Happy isn’t convincing everyone you “love your stressful career” and it’s ok that you don’t have friends because nothing is more important than work. Compared to now…When everyday brings me genuine smiles. When my co-workers joke about me being the happiest girl at work. When I have people that want to do stuff with me. When I get to see my family by driving a few hours and not having to fly through time zones. When I realize that for half my life, I had been talking about living in the city I now live in. The fact that I love the people I am surrounded by and for years I tried to find “genuine friends.” To be stress free and the biggest worry is what winery to visit on a weekend or what hike to go on. Life is good. I have let go. I have learned to live for me. I am doing what I love.
So for anyone out there who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Who can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing from your eyes. Who swear it will never make sense no matter what. Just know that this too shall pass. As cliche as this all may sound, it’s true. Every day since I started this new life I literally thank my lucky stars and God that I am where I am…that despite my lack of faith at times, I made it. That now, looking back, you bet I would have gone through it all over again just to be here today. It made me a better person and makes me appreciate every little thing every day. I saw a quote the other day and I just loved it, “I love the person I’ve become because I fought to become her.” I couldn’t have said it better if I tried!
So keep on keeping on. Smile through the pain. Trust in the process. And let go so the life you think is meant to you so the life you love can find you.
peace & love & be good to each other <3