motivation, words, pics…fitspo!

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Asshat.

Please excuse the not-so-positive-right-off-the-bat post, but this needs to be said…(it will turn positive, i promise!)

My ex boyfriend is an asshat.
(Excuse the repetitiveness for my friends and family…and no judging, we all make dumb mistakes as women in relationships we WANT to work that just never will)

After trying to be civil, (yes, “civil” would be my word of choice, his is “friends”) we are currently Facebook friends. My Facebook posts aren’t even as close to excessive as my tweets, but I do have some fitspo stuff on there.

So the idiot messages me seeing that I’ve been working my ass off in the gym and asks for a picture. Wait. What?? Seriously?? “If you have a picture ill take it.”

Hah. He must think I’m an idiot.

Oh, an no, we aren’t friends. I can tell you a handful of reasons why that’s the case, but trust me, we aren’t friends.

Lets rewind.

As mentioned before, this is the guy who called me fat…oh wait, that wasn’t him, HE just told me I needed to lose weight and workout (which I have done since I was five, I have ALWAYS worked out!). After I went into a week of starving myself. Good job, that was super healthy, way to starve your body and destroy your metabolism…but it was my coping mechanism for so long. Amongst several other humiliating and embarrassing moments that I will never forget and have a hard time forgiving, when he told me I ate too much of my dinner or got made because I ordered chips & salsa, yea and he’s so perplexed still to this day at why these things bother me.

Maybe it’s a flaw in my character that I can’t forgive that. But I can tell you every story in which someone has made a comment about my physical appearance, and recalling them still hurt just the same. So excuse me for not just being able to let it go and forgive so easily.

Anyway. Long story short. He doesn’t get it and never will. He doesn’t understand why those words still haunt me and hurt. Which means, he has no place in my future. If he couldn’t love me at my worst, as a fat cow who lost her job (and I swear, I wasn’t huge…I still was getting flattering comments from other people, it wasn’t like I needed a crane to be lifted out of my house or anything!!!), and yes, that was the deal breaker when life turned upside down he quickly couldn’t deal with me in so many ways, he certainly doesn’t get to be a part of my future. And what I really don’t understand, is if he had such a problem with my physical appearance, why in the hell was he in a committed relationship with me????

Now here comes the positive part.

Maybe I’m growing up (finally!! Haha) or maybe it’s just another result of my healthy lifestyle, but I’m dealing with stuff better. I bawled my eyes out for an hour last night, but woke up and was ready to take on the day. I didn’t binge or drink. I was even more motivated to kill my workout. He’s only made me want to work harder and be better and stronger.

As I said on Facebook today, “my strength doesn’t come from lifting weights, but from picking myself up after I’ve been knocked down…and if you have a problem with who I am or what I look like, that’s your problem, not mine.”

So thank you, yet again, for the painful lesson. I will never take fitness advice from a skinny prick that has never done a bench press in his life. And who cares if people think I’m too tall or too broad or too blonde or too nice or too much of a bitch. I am me. I am finally starting to like her a lot more too! So haters can hate all they want, they only push me to be better and work harder!!

And last but not least, I’m so thankful for the physical strength I have gained over the past few months, it continually makes me mentally stronger and I’m continually pushing myself to do things I never thought possible…like running laps with a 60+ pound punching bag — hell yea, I did that yesterday! ūüėČ

Now I’m off to enjoy my kale chips!

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Healthy Changes.

For the first time in my life, I’ve broken patterns of emotional eating. I know, that sounds pathetic. I probably sound like a middle-aged woman who sits at home at night eating a tub of ice cream. That’s not me. However, I’ve had patterns of having a bad day and going straight to the pantry to whip up a batch of brownies, while enjoying enough batter to make myself sick. Between that and the fact that I used to think I could get away with eating whatever I wanted as long as I put the work time in at the gym, I am working on changing those unhealthy habits.

Since the year has begun, I haven’t binged on anything, let alone anything unhealthy, and I’ve maintained my clean eating (with my free meal per week, which has ended up not being huge splurges either). My cravings have become comical…currently I’m waiting for my broccoli and asparagus to cook as I am enjoying a plate of veggies as a snack. Last night, instead of finding a high calorie, high fat food to feel sorry for myself with, I enjoyed a bowl of frozen grapes.

And I’m not suffering or craving the foods I once enjoyed. I’m enjoying finding creative new ways to make meals. And most of all, I’m enjoying how I feel!

I didn’t have a great workout today and was struggling to maintain my focus during bootcamp, so instead of being pissed at myself, I grabbed the jump rope and some med balls and did an extra thirty minutes of focused sweating and anger management!

I’m proud of myself for continuing to work to be the healthiest version of me!

my ever-so-unpopular-opinion OF the biggest loser…

last night, the ever-so-favorite show of many premiered.¬† i must say, i have NEVER watched a single episode.¬† i’m not sure why, but i’ve always been turned off by the concept of putting “overweight” people on TV to watch them sweat and fall over until they lose half their size.¬† yes, i know the show CHANGES LIVES and does a lot of positive…but i just don’t like it (we’re all entitled to our own opinions, right?!?).

so, since i’ve changed my own¬†lifestyle pretty drastically in the last six months, everyone was telling me how inspiring the show was and how much they LOVE Jillian Michaels (again, have never liked her…still don’t), so i decided to give it a go.¬† maybe it’s hard for me to understand because even at my heaviest or when i was the least out of shape, i was still exercising.¬† i’ve been exercising since i was 5.¬† i’ve been pushing my body my whole life, even if i hate it, i’ve known what a “tough workout” was before i hit puberty.¬† so it’s actually unfathomable to me to see SO many people who just don’t work out (that sounds super naiive, and i’m forever grateful for having parents who were active and allowed me to pursue my athletic goals).¬† and then not only do they NOT exercise, but they eat absolutely horribly!¬† maybe it’s a turn off and i don’t respect the way they have treated their bodies — maybe that’s what makes me cringe just seeing the commercials.¬† maybe it’s the fact that i feel like it’s a mockery. making women who clearly are overweight weigh themselves in front of america in “crop tops???” obviously they signed up for it and know what they are getting into, but even at my gym, the weighing is done at each own’s discretion and there are even room dividers for people who are uncomfortable putting it ALL out there for the whole gym to see.

then there’s the issue of weight loss vs. fat loss.¬† as any fittie knows, muscle weighs more than fat, and clearly these participants have a bunch of fat to lose, but are they gaining muscle?¬† i’d be more interested in seeing their fat percentages go down than their weight.¬† anyone can stop eating or even go anorexic and instantly lose five pounds (trust me, i’ve done it)…but eating right, exercising right, losing FAT and gaining MUSCLE is what i’m interested in.¬† hell, my goal in November (before i started eating clean) was to lose 30 lbs by thanksgiving…that was absolutely INSANE of me!!!¬† when i started eating clean, i lost a percentage of body fat in a week…but weighed the exact same…lost inches, but weighed the exact same…i wasn’t so concerned about the number on the scale anymore, but more concerned about my measurements and body fat!!

i’m not going to lie, i’m a bit jealous of the ladies who lost 20 pounds in a week…as i struggle to pass my plateau weight this week…but when you take someone who has never eaten well and never exercised three hours a week, let alone three hours a day, obviously that 20 pounds is going to come off quick.¬† (Maintaining after the show is always the issue, but hopefully this is a lifestyle change for all of the participants…but we ALL know that one girl who lost “so much weight” at the gym who hasn’t been back in 6 months and now looks heavier than when she began…).

so maybe i’m a negative nancy when it comes to the Biggest Loser, and maybe i just haven’t given it enough of a chance yet since¬†i have only seen one episode now…but everyone in america cannot “play” biggest loser and afford Bob Harper for an hour every day. ¬†and it really isn’t a show SHOWING anything but Jillian yelling at people falling off a treadmile (and really, if you have the energy to YELL back at your trainer, you clearly have the energy to keep going on the treadmile…just saying!).¬† so I really wish they would focus on explaining things better to the world.¬† explain WHY they are doing cardio and weights and certain exercises.¬† explain the “diets”/new eating habits/changes of¬†the participants are on and why. explain that in actuality they are working out SIX HOURS A DAY (um…yea, you bet your ass you’d lose weight after 6 hours). explain hydration issues.¬†explain injury prevention. explain how someone who is 100lbs overweight can get started on their own.¬† i’d be VERY interested in seeing everything we don’t see.¬† we all know how a elliptical and row machine works, show America what they don’t know.

lastly, i commend EVERYONE and ANYONE looking to improve their health and fitness!¬† i am in no means cutting down participants or anyone else inspired by this show to get fit.¬† the fact that it has had such a great impact on the country is awesome!¬† i just think there is still SO MUCH SO MANY PEOPLE don’t know about working out and eating healthy.¬† and let’s face it, it can be very intimidating to take that first step.

so i apologize if i have offended any Jillian Michaels fans or Biggest Loser watchers!¬† again, it’s great that it is so inspiring and motivating for people.¬† if that is what motivates you, then AWESOME, keep watching and keep getting your ass in gear ūüėČ

just my two cents! ūüėČ