Asshat.

Please excuse the not-so-positive-right-off-the-bat post, but this needs to be said…(it will turn positive, i promise!)

My ex boyfriend is an asshat.
(Excuse the repetitiveness for my friends and family…and no judging, we all make dumb mistakes as women in relationships we WANT to work that just never will)

After trying to be civil, (yes, “civil” would be my word of choice, his is “friends”) we are currently Facebook friends. My Facebook posts aren’t even as close to excessive as my tweets, but I do have some fitspo stuff on there.

So the idiot messages me seeing that I’ve been working my ass off in the gym and asks for a picture. Wait. What?? Seriously?? “If you have a picture ill take it.”

Hah. He must think I’m an idiot.

Oh, an no, we aren’t friends. I can tell you a handful of reasons why that’s the case, but trust me, we aren’t friends.

Lets rewind.

As mentioned before, this is the guy who called me fat…oh wait, that wasn’t him, HE just told me I needed to lose weight and workout (which I have done since I was five, I have ALWAYS worked out!). After I went into a week of starving myself. Good job, that was super healthy, way to starve your body and destroy your metabolism…but it was my coping mechanism for so long. Amongst several other humiliating and embarrassing moments that I will never forget and have a hard time forgiving, when he told me I ate too much of my dinner or got made because I ordered chips & salsa, yea and he’s so perplexed still to this day at why these things bother me.

Maybe it’s a flaw in my character that I can’t forgive that. But I can tell you every story in which someone has made a comment about my physical appearance, and recalling them still hurt just the same. So excuse me for not just being able to let it go and forgive so easily.

Anyway. Long story short. He doesn’t get it and never will. He doesn’t understand why those words still haunt me and hurt. Which means, he has no place in my future. If he couldn’t love me at my worst, as a fat cow who lost her job (and I swear, I wasn’t huge…I still was getting flattering comments from other people, it wasn’t like I needed a crane to be lifted out of my house or anything!!!), and yes, that was the deal breaker when life turned upside down he quickly couldn’t deal with me in so many ways, he certainly doesn’t get to be a part of my future. And what I really don’t understand, is if he had such a problem with my physical appearance, why in the hell was he in a committed relationship with me????

Now here comes the positive part.

Maybe I’m growing up (finally!! Haha) or maybe it’s just another result of my healthy lifestyle, but I’m dealing with stuff better. I bawled my eyes out for an hour last night, but woke up and was ready to take on the day. I didn’t binge or drink. I was even more motivated to kill my workout. He’s only made me want to work harder and be better and stronger.

As I said on Facebook today, “my strength doesn’t come from lifting weights, but from picking myself up after I’ve been knocked down…and if you have a problem with who I am or what I look like, that’s your problem, not mine.”

So thank you, yet again, for the painful lesson. I will never take fitness advice from a skinny prick that has never done a bench press in his life. And who cares if people think I’m too tall or too broad or too blonde or too nice or too much of a bitch. I am me. I am finally starting to like her a lot more too! So haters can hate all they want, they only push me to be better and work harder!!

And last but not least, I’m so thankful for the physical strength I have gained over the past few months, it continually makes me mentally stronger and I’m continually pushing myself to do things I never thought possible…like running laps with a 60+ pound punching bag — hell yea, I did that yesterday! 😉

Now I’m off to enjoy my kale chips!

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it’s not ok…(in relations to the toxic use of the “F” word!)

so i’ve been going over and over ideas on what to blog about today. lots of “feminist” topics continue to arise. along with my fit & health issues, most who read this blog know i’m on my “fitness journey” and lately that’s been a main focus of mine. (or as a friend said the other night, “michelle is on her health kick.” newsflash friends, it’s not a fad or diet or “kick” — this is a new way of life and i’m sticking with it! so apologies if you do find my over enthusiastic tweets annoying or my instagram pictures of my clean food makes your eyes roll, but for me to be successful i need to be 100% in it and surround myself with like-minded thinkers…and it seems the more i do obsess, the better i stay on track 😉

anyway, to piggy back off that statement a bit, my twitter account has become 75% fitness and health related. many people make anonymous twitter accounts when on their fitness journey so they can post progress pictures and tweet whatever they want with no worries about people KNOWING who they are. a) i’m not THAT talented to maintain more than one twitter account at a time (yes, i’ve tried!) and b) i actually enjoy this being a part of me and if i can get friends, family, or other random followers motivated to change their lives, then even better!! (i KNOW my sister MUST be completely annoyed with my rampid tweeting as of late as she gets my tweets sent to her phone…sorry ash, but you know how i get when i’m obsessed!) so shout out to the #fitfam on twitter…what an awesome group of hard working individuals of all ages and all shapes and sizes all over the world. dedicated and determined like-minded people working to better themselves in every way possible.

SO MY POINT TODAY (sorry…this is my scattered brain way of getting to what I’d actually like to write about, which hasn’t even come up yet!), i follow a bunch of healthy, fit-freaks like me and there’s been a few girls/women/fitties who i have seen tweet about being called “fat” or “ugly” or “chubby” by friends, family, or even worst, boyfriends. it breaks my heart because i get it. i’ve been there. i was that girl who was called “fat” by my ex. i AM that girl that has a HUGE body complex and am hoping that ONE day i can be happy with what is looking back in the mirror at me.

so i’d like to start by saying, as much as we are ALL guilty of it, the word FAT needs to be erased from OUR vocabulary! everyone’s vocabulary at that. the dreaded “f” word is 100% worst than it’s 4 letter counterpart of an “f” word. it’s way more destructive. the only time it comes out of my mouth is when i’m having a shitty day and feeling bad about myself. so, that’s it, the word FAT is gone from your mouths and shall never be said in regards to anyones body shape.

got it? good!

secondly, who are WE to judge ANYONE? who are YOU to judge? who am i to judge? don’t we all have enough problems and issues and drama in our own lives to be too busy to be judging everyone around us? i mean, just based on everyone’s facebook statuses alone, i don’t think you have the extra time in your day to judge me or anyone else. as women, we are SO quick to judge and be catty or rude…it’s so much easier to turn that negativity into something positive and help someone out or smile! i finished my workout today at bootcamp and instead of gloating or sitting down like i deserved it more than anyone else still training, i grabbed a new lady to our bootcamp and finished the workout with her. i can’t stand women who walk around like they are better than you because they wear a size two and don’t sweat while working out (oopps, yes, that’s me judging a bit, isn’t it??), but you know the people i love? the ones who see you are working hard and are willing to help you get there. the people who include you in their workouts or encourage you to finish your last lap or are genuinely there to see you succeed! those are my kind of people…

anyway, i’m getting off topic, mostly because i’m worried i’m going to get on a feminist rant.

i worry that men (or boys) think it’s OK to call women “fat” or “ugly” because they see us do it to eachother, or even worst, they see us do it to ourselves. well, it is not ok. those are words that never leave us. you think i will ever forget how my ex grabbed my arm and said “your arms are big, you could use some work there” — there’s no way in hell that i will ever forget those words or how it made me feel. you think i will ever forget him telling me i was “fat” when i was the one who went to the gym and worked out? nope. and when i brought it up and said it’s not ok for him to say those things about me, do you think i’ll ever forget how he began to laugh hysterically and say “it was just a joke!” no way. it is NOT ok. i don’t even need to go into a reason why, it just isn’t ok. it isn’t ok to make anyone feel absolutely horrible about themself. it isn’t ok to tell someone who already thinks they are the size of an elephant that now the person they love thinks that too. (i really can get into it and go into bullying and all that, but i’m going to keep it at this)

newsflash, there actually isn’t enough GOOD in the world. there aren’t THAT many people going out of their way to make strangers smile. we have shootings and suicides and violence and hate daily. and it’s NOT ok to put people down and make them feel bad. (why is this SUCH a hard concept for people to get?!??!?!) it absolutely guts me everytime i read “my boyfriend called me fat today.” Did he think that was going to put a smile on your face?!? Did he think you weren’t already self conscious about what you looked like?!?! did he think that was going to put you in a super happy lovey dovey mood?!?!?!

i apologize for the rambled post. i just feel quite strong about this and think men and women alike need to be nicer to each other and themselves.

and for any female in a relationship with a male (OR vice versa!) who puts her down in one way or another, i pray that you have the strength to realize that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER and you do not deserve to be told those things. looking back, i was stupid, and believed him. why i didn’t leave his skinny (never-goes-to-the-gym) ass right then and there disappoints me today. i don’t know YOUR relationship, but i do know that anyone that puts you down is NOT the right person for you…even if you do love them. and as hard as it may seem to leave and cut them out of your life, know that you are worth so much more.

it’s toxic.

and it hurts.

and allowing it to happen isn’t ok either.

so be strong, stand up for yourself, and know that you are beautiful and deserve nothing but the best!

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positive body image…

i’ve struggled with body image issues my whole life.  i woke up this morning feeling like a fat cow, disgusted with what was looking back at me in the mirror (days like this, i avoid the mirror as much as possible!).  granted it was super early and still dark outside, and i hadn’t had coffee yet, but it put me in a bit of a sour mood to start the day. obviously, my “year” (yeah, yeah, 2 and a half days) of clean eating won’t show results immediately, and i have a week’s worth of bad food and drinks i’m working off, but something simple like that is what can easily trigger me (and i’m sure others) into giving up or not sticking to “the plan.”  luckily i was on my way to the gym for two hours of sweating, so that changed my mood and outlook quickly, but as much as i’m changing my lifestyle and eating, i need to change my view of myself.

i’ve always struggled liking ME!  and any day i feel “fat” is not usually a good day.  once that word is in my head, there isn’t much i can do to combat the thought.  so i found this and thought i’d share it with everyone to help improve body image!

Ten Steps to Positive Body Image

1. Appreciate all that your body can do.

– i’m coming off an injury (torn calf) at the moment, so i do appreciate the fact that my body has healed a bit and has allowed me to get back in the gym! (i’d REALLY appreciate it if it continues to heal and i can start running again by next week!!)

2. Keep a top 10 list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like

– ten is A LOT! but i’m sure we all have ten things…i think i may struggle filling out that list…so NON-physical things i like about myself: I’m passionate (to say the least); friendly & genuinely care about people; big heart; super competetive (yes, i actually LIKE this about myself); independent; no fear; unique taste of things in life; love to travel; embrace new things…phew i did it!!

3. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.

– just think of that really skinny bitch you know 😛

4. Look at yourself as a whole person…choose not to focus on specific body parts.

– so, i guess that means that i can’t complain about my football player shoulders or my rectangular body…ok.

5. Surround yourself with positive people!

– this is HUGE! i can’t re-iterate this one enough.  people that love you don’t care what you look like and they are there to pick you up when you fall down or tell you how beautiful you are on your ugly days! get rid of the fake people who don’t add to your life, they are just weighing you down!!

6. Shut down those voices in your head that tell you that your body is not “right.”

– i have a HARD time with this one.  i’m hoping that on my journey, i find the body i am happy with…not sure i can admit today that my body is “ok” — maybe i will never be ok with it, but that’s one thing i really hope i can accomplish, to work hard and create the body i will be happy in!  and i think after all the discipline and hard work, no matter what i look like, i will be proud…at least i hope so!

7. Wear clothes that are comfortable and make you feel good about your body.

– Lululemon 😉 i feel like i rock my Wunder Under crops and they make me feel awesome…especially since i seem to reward myself with wearing my lulu after a good sweat at the gym (or during, depending!). at this point, i know more or less what i feel comfortable in…if i’m dressing up and i don’t feel comfortable, i won’t wear it because i’ll be miserable and second guessing myself all night.

8. Become a critical viewer of social and media messages.

– yes, when they said on E! the other night that Jennifer Lawerence was a “bigger girl” because she was a solid size 2 i almost lost it!  seriously…let’s be real!!  i’m pretty good at this stuff, i know that my 5’11 frame will NEVER be a size 2 even if i was a starving kid in africa…and i’m ok with that!

9. Do something nice for youself — something that lets your body know you appreciate it.

– for me, this would be anything from shopping to working out.  i’m one of those that loves to work out in the gym, so it is a bit of a reward to me that i can be in there grinding away.  shopping is always a fun reward.  i will treat myself to coffee after a hard workout as well.  i think these all qualify under that. i’m not huge on messages, otherwise, that would be a good reward.  i do, however, get in to see my chiropractor three times a week, so that’s a bit of a reward as well and it keeps me healthy!

and 10. Use the time and energy that you might have spent worrying about food, calories, and your weight to do something to help others.

– this is a tough one. i have an obsessive personality and enjoy obsessing!  if i don’t obsess, i worry i’m not fully committed.  i joked to everyone that if i’m going to do this, it will bring out my obssessive side…and it has.  the second i half ass it or let go, i let myself slip.  i’m hoping in a month or two down the road, my eating habits of eating clean will be second nature, however i have a feeling that triggers will always be there waiting for me, so it is something i need to keep the reel on.  however, i definitely think it’s great to help out others and get out and give back.  that is definitely doable!!!

 

So, there you go.  Some are a little cheesey, but if you take something from it to help you love who you are a little more, then great!

There’s a picture I saw today and tweeted, and it was a picture of a super skinny, lean model, but the caption said, “She is beautiful but she is NOT my goal. I will never be her. MY goal is to be the healthiest, leanest, strongest ME. To be the best version of MYSELF.”

That’s all I want — and I’m excited to keep taking steps forward to get there 🙂