Guess who’s back?!

Wow. What a whirlwind. What a difference a year makes.

I was lucky to be a part of a really cool project called Paper Bag Writers (www.paperbagwriters.net) that basically is all about using words and sharing anything you want on a paper bag. So when my bag arrived I was feeling super happy about where I am in my life and decided to trek back through some old blog posts…ironically, you’ll see an adaption of the last blog I wrote on here, on the bag. With the other side being one of my lowest of low entries (I was actually slightly upset to see I had deleted many of my low, emotional blogs…they were raw and real and got me to where I am today, but I don’t need to look back anymore).

photo 1[1]Writing those words out reminded me that I hadn’t really blogged or even journaled in a while.  (Although, I will say, I do partake in the “Jar of Happiness” that Liz Gilbert talks about, I try to write something down on a post-it every day that makes me smile!) So last Sunday, I grabbed some paper, a pen, a great soundtrack and some coffee and hit one of my favorite places (some bluffs off the ocean where my Grandpa’s ashes were spread years and years ago) and I wrote. And I cried. And I smiled. And I sang. And I thought. And wrote.

And I decided, I need to take that time at least once a week to do so…and I hope to continue to blog on here as an outlet.

Literally a year ago…ok, a year ago on November 14th…my cards began to align. After flailing for a year and questioning “why me” and crying and being sad…it all slowly started to make sense. A year ago my friend posted about a job. A year ago my sister picked up the phone to tell me it sounded like the perfect job for me. A year ago I said, “I don’t think so,” but still applied. Slowly, after that…things began making sense. I have old blogs that track back those days…the day when I flew to Albuquerque and moved all of my stuff into a UHAUL by myself…and then instantly moving forward with the position. The days of waiting and not hearing anything…and then the day I was offered the position and took it.

It changed my life.

I always preach about living the life you love, and until that point, I think I convinced myself that I was living that life. Until now. When I see now that I actually am happy. This is what happy looks like. Happy isn’t convincing everyone you “love your stressful career” and it’s ok that you don’t have friends because nothing is more important than work. Compared to now…When everyday brings me genuine smiles. When my co-workers joke about me being the happiest girl at work. When I have people that want to do stuff with me. When I get to see my family by driving a few hours and not having to fly through time zones. When I realize that for half my life, I had been talking about living in the city I now live in. The fact that I love the people I am surrounded by and for years I tried to find “genuine friends.” To be stress free and the biggest worry is what winery to visit on a weekend or what hike to go on. Life is good. I have let go. I have learned to live for me. I am doing what I love.

photo 2[1]So for anyone out there who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Who can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing from your eyes. Who swear it will never make sense no matter what. Just know that this too shall pass. As cliche as this all may sound, it’s true. Every day since I started this new life I literally thank my lucky stars and God that I am where I am…that despite my lack of faith at times, I made it. That now, looking back,  you bet I would have gone through it all over again just to be here today. It made me a better person and makes me appreciate every little thing every day. I saw a quote the other day and I just loved it, “I love the person I’ve become because I fought to become her.” I couldn’t have said it better if I tried!

So keep on keeping on. Smile through the pain. Trust in the process. And let go so the life you think is meant to you so the life you love can find you.

peace & love & be good to each other ❤

Advertisements

back on track.

so i took a couple days off…and no it didn’t kill me.

i don’t know how people abandon their healthy lifestyles though.  i went to the hotel gym both sat and sunday and did some sort of a work out…granted it was a lot less than my regular regimine, it was something!  but after letting lose on my eating reigns for a couple days, holy hell, i’m so glad to have eaten tons of greens and chicken for lunch today!  and wouldn’t mind not havving a drink for a while.  (and i didn’t drink much!).  Funny how that happens!

i had an interview yesterday, that i’m keeping underwraps for the most part, so shhh…don’t tell anyone.  i’ve always had a conundrum of telling people about jobs i’m interviewing for.  my college roommate my freshman year used to tell me that i needed to tell people my goals and share my dreams…where as i think that’s awesome, and she went on to lead a fairly successful career as professional golfer and lawyer (go girl!), i’ve often encountered naysayers and people genuinely not interested.  so i tend to try and keep things quiet until they are a sure thing.  so hopefully in a few days, or a week. or two…i’ll have some awesome news to share with you guys!  until themn, it’s all about the power of positive thinking.  it’s worked well in my life before, it’s time to really push this one into happening!!!

anyway.

i know something is out there for me that is exactly where i belong. and i know it will come together when it is meant to.  it’s been a really rough road for me.  i’ve never not been successful.  i’ve learned to disengage a bit.  if you know anything about me, you know i’m passionate (or as my close family and friends would tell you, OBSESSIVE!).  i get really excited about things i believe in and that’s what makes me successful.  i eat, sleep, dream, about things i enjoy/want to accomplish/etc.  (well…i guess that’s a bit obvious if you follow my blog or  twitter feed).  for the most part, it’s actually one of my favorite things about me.  but lately, with certain things, it’s become a bit of my achilles heel.  caring so much and putting so much of myself into something to be let down is pretty painful.  it happened with my last job, and to this day it literally still haunts me (yes, weekly i have a nightmare of it all! no joke…i know, it’s pathetic, but true).  it’s so draining to put all of yourself into something to not get it.  so i’m learning to ease up a little…or just not allowing myself to get engaged with things AS MUCH as i used to.  working on controlling the controllables and letting fate take care of what is meant to be.  this is actually a huge part of my health and fitness too…trying not to obsess and beat myself up if i slip here and there.  like i posted on twitter this morning, exercise is a reward, not a punishment because of what you ate!!!

i know i’m destined for something extraordinary.  i know there is more to my life.  and if i don’t find it, i’ll make it.  i know i’m coming out of the tail end of this rough patch!

so enough of my ramblings for today.

go out there and do good!