Wednesday hump day…grind!

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back on track.

so i took a couple days off…and no it didn’t kill me.

i don’t know how people abandon their healthy lifestyles though.  i went to the hotel gym both sat and sunday and did some sort of a work out…granted it was a lot less than my regular regimine, it was something!  but after letting lose on my eating reigns for a couple days, holy hell, i’m so glad to have eaten tons of greens and chicken for lunch today!  and wouldn’t mind not havving a drink for a while.  (and i didn’t drink much!).  Funny how that happens!

i had an interview yesterday, that i’m keeping underwraps for the most part, so shhh…don’t tell anyone.  i’ve always had a conundrum of telling people about jobs i’m interviewing for.  my college roommate my freshman year used to tell me that i needed to tell people my goals and share my dreams…where as i think that’s awesome, and she went on to lead a fairly successful career as professional golfer and lawyer (go girl!), i’ve often encountered naysayers and people genuinely not interested.  so i tend to try and keep things quiet until they are a sure thing.  so hopefully in a few days, or a week. or two…i’ll have some awesome news to share with you guys!  until themn, it’s all about the power of positive thinking.  it’s worked well in my life before, it’s time to really push this one into happening!!!

anyway.

i know something is out there for me that is exactly where i belong. and i know it will come together when it is meant to.  it’s been a really rough road for me.  i’ve never not been successful.  i’ve learned to disengage a bit.  if you know anything about me, you know i’m passionate (or as my close family and friends would tell you, OBSESSIVE!).  i get really excited about things i believe in and that’s what makes me successful.  i eat, sleep, dream, about things i enjoy/want to accomplish/etc.  (well…i guess that’s a bit obvious if you follow my blog or  twitter feed).  for the most part, it’s actually one of my favorite things about me.  but lately, with certain things, it’s become a bit of my achilles heel.  caring so much and putting so much of myself into something to be let down is pretty painful.  it happened with my last job, and to this day it literally still haunts me (yes, weekly i have a nightmare of it all! no joke…i know, it’s pathetic, but true).  it’s so draining to put all of yourself into something to not get it.  so i’m learning to ease up a little…or just not allowing myself to get engaged with things AS MUCH as i used to.  working on controlling the controllables and letting fate take care of what is meant to be.  this is actually a huge part of my health and fitness too…trying not to obsess and beat myself up if i slip here and there.  like i posted on twitter this morning, exercise is a reward, not a punishment because of what you ate!!!

i know i’m destined for something extraordinary.  i know there is more to my life.  and if i don’t find it, i’ll make it.  i know i’m coming out of the tail end of this rough patch!

so enough of my ramblings for today.

go out there and do good!

Flex friday!!

Show ’em if you got ’em!!!!

So part of this healthy lifestyle is learning to love me and my body. Harder than it sounds!! You want a rush, then post a picture of your least favorite body part on twitter!!

I’ve been going hard at the gym and haven’t had a day off yet (allowing myself one finally this weekend, I think) and slowly but surely some progress is coming. My legs are getting much more defined, my arms are slowly showing more definition – I’ve upped all my weights in everything, I’m benching 90 pounds, leg pressing 200 pounds, go big or go home!!! I’ve really been fining 110% every time I step foot in the gym. I’ve been eating really well and clean and haven’t had a cheat meal in a while (over a week)! I’ve dropped some pounds again (after feeling like I plateaued a bit last week) and know my body fat is getting lower and my muscle mass is getting higher.

The harder I work, the better I feel. The more results I see, the more addicted (and let’s face it, obsessed) I become. And with that, the stronger I feel and more confidence I have! I know I’m not only the strongest woman, but often the strongest person working out. I know my strengths and weaknesses and continue to push myself to get better at both. It’s so fun! And I’m not going to lie, I enjoy when other people tell me they want to be like me or they don’t know how I do it!

I’m wading out of town this weekend, so it will be the first test of my discipline this year. I will allow myself to enjoy, I won’t allow myself to get out of control. I won’t allow binging or wasted calories or making excuses to eat something I know I shouldn’t. Too you, that may sound extreme, to me, I know I need to keep myself reigned in. One slip and the whole weekend will be a big slip and then ill slip back into the self deprecation – that’s the last place I want to go back to. I’m planning on hitting the gym and running a few miles! I brought my protein powder along and am ready to be disciplined and strong willed!! I will be indulging in some wine tonight (again, the first time ill be drinking in a while) at my sisters wine club event – super excited about this!!!

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! And flex those muscles 😉

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Asshat.

Please excuse the not-so-positive-right-off-the-bat post, but this needs to be said…(it will turn positive, i promise!)

My ex boyfriend is an asshat.
(Excuse the repetitiveness for my friends and family…and no judging, we all make dumb mistakes as women in relationships we WANT to work that just never will)

After trying to be civil, (yes, “civil” would be my word of choice, his is “friends”) we are currently Facebook friends. My Facebook posts aren’t even as close to excessive as my tweets, but I do have some fitspo stuff on there.

So the idiot messages me seeing that I’ve been working my ass off in the gym and asks for a picture. Wait. What?? Seriously?? “If you have a picture ill take it.”

Hah. He must think I’m an idiot.

Oh, an no, we aren’t friends. I can tell you a handful of reasons why that’s the case, but trust me, we aren’t friends.

Lets rewind.

As mentioned before, this is the guy who called me fat…oh wait, that wasn’t him, HE just told me I needed to lose weight and workout (which I have done since I was five, I have ALWAYS worked out!). After I went into a week of starving myself. Good job, that was super healthy, way to starve your body and destroy your metabolism…but it was my coping mechanism for so long. Amongst several other humiliating and embarrassing moments that I will never forget and have a hard time forgiving, when he told me I ate too much of my dinner or got made because I ordered chips & salsa, yea and he’s so perplexed still to this day at why these things bother me.

Maybe it’s a flaw in my character that I can’t forgive that. But I can tell you every story in which someone has made a comment about my physical appearance, and recalling them still hurt just the same. So excuse me for not just being able to let it go and forgive so easily.

Anyway. Long story short. He doesn’t get it and never will. He doesn’t understand why those words still haunt me and hurt. Which means, he has no place in my future. If he couldn’t love me at my worst, as a fat cow who lost her job (and I swear, I wasn’t huge…I still was getting flattering comments from other people, it wasn’t like I needed a crane to be lifted out of my house or anything!!!), and yes, that was the deal breaker when life turned upside down he quickly couldn’t deal with me in so many ways, he certainly doesn’t get to be a part of my future. And what I really don’t understand, is if he had such a problem with my physical appearance, why in the hell was he in a committed relationship with me????

Now here comes the positive part.

Maybe I’m growing up (finally!! Haha) or maybe it’s just another result of my healthy lifestyle, but I’m dealing with stuff better. I bawled my eyes out for an hour last night, but woke up and was ready to take on the day. I didn’t binge or drink. I was even more motivated to kill my workout. He’s only made me want to work harder and be better and stronger.

As I said on Facebook today, “my strength doesn’t come from lifting weights, but from picking myself up after I’ve been knocked down…and if you have a problem with who I am or what I look like, that’s your problem, not mine.”

So thank you, yet again, for the painful lesson. I will never take fitness advice from a skinny prick that has never done a bench press in his life. And who cares if people think I’m too tall or too broad or too blonde or too nice or too much of a bitch. I am me. I am finally starting to like her a lot more too! So haters can hate all they want, they only push me to be better and work harder!!

And last but not least, I’m so thankful for the physical strength I have gained over the past few months, it continually makes me mentally stronger and I’m continually pushing myself to do things I never thought possible…like running laps with a 60+ pound punching bag — hell yea, I did that yesterday! 😉

Now I’m off to enjoy my kale chips!

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Healthy Changes.

For the first time in my life, I’ve broken patterns of emotional eating. I know, that sounds pathetic. I probably sound like a middle-aged woman who sits at home at night eating a tub of ice cream. That’s not me. However, I’ve had patterns of having a bad day and going straight to the pantry to whip up a batch of brownies, while enjoying enough batter to make myself sick. Between that and the fact that I used to think I could get away with eating whatever I wanted as long as I put the work time in at the gym, I am working on changing those unhealthy habits.

Since the year has begun, I haven’t binged on anything, let alone anything unhealthy, and I’ve maintained my clean eating (with my free meal per week, which has ended up not being huge splurges either). My cravings have become comical…currently I’m waiting for my broccoli and asparagus to cook as I am enjoying a plate of veggies as a snack. Last night, instead of finding a high calorie, high fat food to feel sorry for myself with, I enjoyed a bowl of frozen grapes.

And I’m not suffering or craving the foods I once enjoyed. I’m enjoying finding creative new ways to make meals. And most of all, I’m enjoying how I feel!

I didn’t have a great workout today and was struggling to maintain my focus during bootcamp, so instead of being pissed at myself, I grabbed the jump rope and some med balls and did an extra thirty minutes of focused sweating and anger management!

I’m proud of myself for continuing to work to be the healthiest version of me!