back on track.

so i took a couple days off…and no it didn’t kill me.

i don’t know how people abandon their healthy lifestyles though.  i went to the hotel gym both sat and sunday and did some sort of a work out…granted it was a lot less than my regular regimine, it was something!  but after letting lose on my eating reigns for a couple days, holy hell, i’m so glad to have eaten tons of greens and chicken for lunch today!  and wouldn’t mind not havving a drink for a while.  (and i didn’t drink much!).  Funny how that happens!

i had an interview yesterday, that i’m keeping underwraps for the most part, so shhh…don’t tell anyone.  i’ve always had a conundrum of telling people about jobs i’m interviewing for.  my college roommate my freshman year used to tell me that i needed to tell people my goals and share my dreams…where as i think that’s awesome, and she went on to lead a fairly successful career as professional golfer and lawyer (go girl!), i’ve often encountered naysayers and people genuinely not interested.  so i tend to try and keep things quiet until they are a sure thing.  so hopefully in a few days, or a week. or two…i’ll have some awesome news to share with you guys!  until themn, it’s all about the power of positive thinking.  it’s worked well in my life before, it’s time to really push this one into happening!!!

anyway.

i know something is out there for me that is exactly where i belong. and i know it will come together when it is meant to.  it’s been a really rough road for me.  i’ve never not been successful.  i’ve learned to disengage a bit.  if you know anything about me, you know i’m passionate (or as my close family and friends would tell you, OBSESSIVE!).  i get really excited about things i believe in and that’s what makes me successful.  i eat, sleep, dream, about things i enjoy/want to accomplish/etc.  (well…i guess that’s a bit obvious if you follow my blog or  twitter feed).  for the most part, it’s actually one of my favorite things about me.  but lately, with certain things, it’s become a bit of my achilles heel.  caring so much and putting so much of myself into something to be let down is pretty painful.  it happened with my last job, and to this day it literally still haunts me (yes, weekly i have a nightmare of it all! no joke…i know, it’s pathetic, but true).  it’s so draining to put all of yourself into something to not get it.  so i’m learning to ease up a little…or just not allowing myself to get engaged with things AS MUCH as i used to.  working on controlling the controllables and letting fate take care of what is meant to be.  this is actually a huge part of my health and fitness too…trying not to obsess and beat myself up if i slip here and there.  like i posted on twitter this morning, exercise is a reward, not a punishment because of what you ate!!!

i know i’m destined for something extraordinary.  i know there is more to my life.  and if i don’t find it, i’ll make it.  i know i’m coming out of the tail end of this rough patch!

so enough of my ramblings for today.

go out there and do good!

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it’s not ok…(in relations to the toxic use of the “F” word!)

so i’ve been going over and over ideas on what to blog about today. lots of “feminist” topics continue to arise. along with my fit & health issues, most who read this blog know i’m on my “fitness journey” and lately that’s been a main focus of mine. (or as a friend said the other night, “michelle is on her health kick.” newsflash friends, it’s not a fad or diet or “kick” — this is a new way of life and i’m sticking with it! so apologies if you do find my over enthusiastic tweets annoying or my instagram pictures of my clean food makes your eyes roll, but for me to be successful i need to be 100% in it and surround myself with like-minded thinkers…and it seems the more i do obsess, the better i stay on track 😉

anyway, to piggy back off that statement a bit, my twitter account has become 75% fitness and health related. many people make anonymous twitter accounts when on their fitness journey so they can post progress pictures and tweet whatever they want with no worries about people KNOWING who they are. a) i’m not THAT talented to maintain more than one twitter account at a time (yes, i’ve tried!) and b) i actually enjoy this being a part of me and if i can get friends, family, or other random followers motivated to change their lives, then even better!! (i KNOW my sister MUST be completely annoyed with my rampid tweeting as of late as she gets my tweets sent to her phone…sorry ash, but you know how i get when i’m obsessed!) so shout out to the #fitfam on twitter…what an awesome group of hard working individuals of all ages and all shapes and sizes all over the world. dedicated and determined like-minded people working to better themselves in every way possible.

SO MY POINT TODAY (sorry…this is my scattered brain way of getting to what I’d actually like to write about, which hasn’t even come up yet!), i follow a bunch of healthy, fit-freaks like me and there’s been a few girls/women/fitties who i have seen tweet about being called “fat” or “ugly” or “chubby” by friends, family, or even worst, boyfriends. it breaks my heart because i get it. i’ve been there. i was that girl who was called “fat” by my ex. i AM that girl that has a HUGE body complex and am hoping that ONE day i can be happy with what is looking back in the mirror at me.

so i’d like to start by saying, as much as we are ALL guilty of it, the word FAT needs to be erased from OUR vocabulary! everyone’s vocabulary at that. the dreaded “f” word is 100% worst than it’s 4 letter counterpart of an “f” word. it’s way more destructive. the only time it comes out of my mouth is when i’m having a shitty day and feeling bad about myself. so, that’s it, the word FAT is gone from your mouths and shall never be said in regards to anyones body shape.

got it? good!

secondly, who are WE to judge ANYONE? who are YOU to judge? who am i to judge? don’t we all have enough problems and issues and drama in our own lives to be too busy to be judging everyone around us? i mean, just based on everyone’s facebook statuses alone, i don’t think you have the extra time in your day to judge me or anyone else. as women, we are SO quick to judge and be catty or rude…it’s so much easier to turn that negativity into something positive and help someone out or smile! i finished my workout today at bootcamp and instead of gloating or sitting down like i deserved it more than anyone else still training, i grabbed a new lady to our bootcamp and finished the workout with her. i can’t stand women who walk around like they are better than you because they wear a size two and don’t sweat while working out (oopps, yes, that’s me judging a bit, isn’t it??), but you know the people i love? the ones who see you are working hard and are willing to help you get there. the people who include you in their workouts or encourage you to finish your last lap or are genuinely there to see you succeed! those are my kind of people…

anyway, i’m getting off topic, mostly because i’m worried i’m going to get on a feminist rant.

i worry that men (or boys) think it’s OK to call women “fat” or “ugly” because they see us do it to eachother, or even worst, they see us do it to ourselves. well, it is not ok. those are words that never leave us. you think i will ever forget how my ex grabbed my arm and said “your arms are big, you could use some work there” — there’s no way in hell that i will ever forget those words or how it made me feel. you think i will ever forget him telling me i was “fat” when i was the one who went to the gym and worked out? nope. and when i brought it up and said it’s not ok for him to say those things about me, do you think i’ll ever forget how he began to laugh hysterically and say “it was just a joke!” no way. it is NOT ok. i don’t even need to go into a reason why, it just isn’t ok. it isn’t ok to make anyone feel absolutely horrible about themself. it isn’t ok to tell someone who already thinks they are the size of an elephant that now the person they love thinks that too. (i really can get into it and go into bullying and all that, but i’m going to keep it at this)

newsflash, there actually isn’t enough GOOD in the world. there aren’t THAT many people going out of their way to make strangers smile. we have shootings and suicides and violence and hate daily. and it’s NOT ok to put people down and make them feel bad. (why is this SUCH a hard concept for people to get?!??!?!) it absolutely guts me everytime i read “my boyfriend called me fat today.” Did he think that was going to put a smile on your face?!? Did he think you weren’t already self conscious about what you looked like?!?! did he think that was going to put you in a super happy lovey dovey mood?!?!?!

i apologize for the rambled post. i just feel quite strong about this and think men and women alike need to be nicer to each other and themselves.

and for any female in a relationship with a male (OR vice versa!) who puts her down in one way or another, i pray that you have the strength to realize that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER and you do not deserve to be told those things. looking back, i was stupid, and believed him. why i didn’t leave his skinny (never-goes-to-the-gym) ass right then and there disappoints me today. i don’t know YOUR relationship, but i do know that anyone that puts you down is NOT the right person for you…even if you do love them. and as hard as it may seem to leave and cut them out of your life, know that you are worth so much more.

it’s toxic.

and it hurts.

and allowing it to happen isn’t ok either.

so be strong, stand up for yourself, and know that you are beautiful and deserve nothing but the best!

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positive body image…

i’ve struggled with body image issues my whole life.  i woke up this morning feeling like a fat cow, disgusted with what was looking back at me in the mirror (days like this, i avoid the mirror as much as possible!).  granted it was super early and still dark outside, and i hadn’t had coffee yet, but it put me in a bit of a sour mood to start the day. obviously, my “year” (yeah, yeah, 2 and a half days) of clean eating won’t show results immediately, and i have a week’s worth of bad food and drinks i’m working off, but something simple like that is what can easily trigger me (and i’m sure others) into giving up or not sticking to “the plan.”  luckily i was on my way to the gym for two hours of sweating, so that changed my mood and outlook quickly, but as much as i’m changing my lifestyle and eating, i need to change my view of myself.

i’ve always struggled liking ME!  and any day i feel “fat” is not usually a good day.  once that word is in my head, there isn’t much i can do to combat the thought.  so i found this and thought i’d share it with everyone to help improve body image!

Ten Steps to Positive Body Image

1. Appreciate all that your body can do.

– i’m coming off an injury (torn calf) at the moment, so i do appreciate the fact that my body has healed a bit and has allowed me to get back in the gym! (i’d REALLY appreciate it if it continues to heal and i can start running again by next week!!)

2. Keep a top 10 list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like

– ten is A LOT! but i’m sure we all have ten things…i think i may struggle filling out that list…so NON-physical things i like about myself: I’m passionate (to say the least); friendly & genuinely care about people; big heart; super competetive (yes, i actually LIKE this about myself); independent; no fear; unique taste of things in life; love to travel; embrace new things…phew i did it!!

3. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.

– just think of that really skinny bitch you know 😛

4. Look at yourself as a whole person…choose not to focus on specific body parts.

– so, i guess that means that i can’t complain about my football player shoulders or my rectangular body…ok.

5. Surround yourself with positive people!

– this is HUGE! i can’t re-iterate this one enough.  people that love you don’t care what you look like and they are there to pick you up when you fall down or tell you how beautiful you are on your ugly days! get rid of the fake people who don’t add to your life, they are just weighing you down!!

6. Shut down those voices in your head that tell you that your body is not “right.”

– i have a HARD time with this one.  i’m hoping that on my journey, i find the body i am happy with…not sure i can admit today that my body is “ok” — maybe i will never be ok with it, but that’s one thing i really hope i can accomplish, to work hard and create the body i will be happy in!  and i think after all the discipline and hard work, no matter what i look like, i will be proud…at least i hope so!

7. Wear clothes that are comfortable and make you feel good about your body.

– Lululemon 😉 i feel like i rock my Wunder Under crops and they make me feel awesome…especially since i seem to reward myself with wearing my lulu after a good sweat at the gym (or during, depending!). at this point, i know more or less what i feel comfortable in…if i’m dressing up and i don’t feel comfortable, i won’t wear it because i’ll be miserable and second guessing myself all night.

8. Become a critical viewer of social and media messages.

– yes, when they said on E! the other night that Jennifer Lawerence was a “bigger girl” because she was a solid size 2 i almost lost it!  seriously…let’s be real!!  i’m pretty good at this stuff, i know that my 5’11 frame will NEVER be a size 2 even if i was a starving kid in africa…and i’m ok with that!

9. Do something nice for youself — something that lets your body know you appreciate it.

– for me, this would be anything from shopping to working out.  i’m one of those that loves to work out in the gym, so it is a bit of a reward to me that i can be in there grinding away.  shopping is always a fun reward.  i will treat myself to coffee after a hard workout as well.  i think these all qualify under that. i’m not huge on messages, otherwise, that would be a good reward.  i do, however, get in to see my chiropractor three times a week, so that’s a bit of a reward as well and it keeps me healthy!

and 10. Use the time and energy that you might have spent worrying about food, calories, and your weight to do something to help others.

– this is a tough one. i have an obsessive personality and enjoy obsessing!  if i don’t obsess, i worry i’m not fully committed.  i joked to everyone that if i’m going to do this, it will bring out my obssessive side…and it has.  the second i half ass it or let go, i let myself slip.  i’m hoping in a month or two down the road, my eating habits of eating clean will be second nature, however i have a feeling that triggers will always be there waiting for me, so it is something i need to keep the reel on.  however, i definitely think it’s great to help out others and get out and give back.  that is definitely doable!!!

 

So, there you go.  Some are a little cheesey, but if you take something from it to help you love who you are a little more, then great!

There’s a picture I saw today and tweeted, and it was a picture of a super skinny, lean model, but the caption said, “She is beautiful but she is NOT my goal. I will never be her. MY goal is to be the healthiest, leanest, strongest ME. To be the best version of MYSELF.”

That’s all I want — and I’m excited to keep taking steps forward to get there 🙂

healthy is beautiful.

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i’ve been slacking on my “thankful” posts…and every time i think of what to write about, i’m brought back to being thankful for my health and athleticism, and ability and opportunity to work on my physical side.

for the first time in my life, that’s almost 30 years, i am working on finding the body i like in a HEALTHY way.

as i’ve mentioned before, i’ve always struggled with body image. i’ve always been tall…i’ve always been strong…i’ve never been tiny or skinny or anything like that. at a young age i learned to starve myself and binge and starve myself and restrict things from my diet and push my body to the limits.

starving is a HORRIBLE habit that has always been my go to. PLEASE, ANYONE READING THIS, DONT EVER STARVE YOURSELF. I DONT CONDONE THIS IN ANY WAY. i hate that thats how i coped with “feeling fat” or a bad weekend of eating. and i KNEW it messed up my metabolism even more! so it was pathetic — i KNEW i was hurting myself and still would do it. i felt horrible for being a coach of female athletes and being guilty of restricting myself of food for hours and hours at a time.

For the first time in my life, i see that i NEED TO EAT. Eating is STILL a challenge for me. Some days it’s a chore and i force myself to eat, whether it’s chugging a protein drink or forcing some chicken down, i know my body needs fuel. and it needs the right fuel.

i find myself desperate to shove protein in my mouth now, instead of desperate to keep busy so i don’t realize my stomach growling from hunger!

be healthy ladies. DONT STARVE YOURSELF! it only messes things up more…you feel skinnier but your metabolism gets insanely out of wack. DO EAT! and in moderation and healthy. don’t go out and gorge on donuts and beer, but if you want a beer and a donut, go for it, but stop at one…and get your butt to the gym 😉 BE SMART. if you’re hungry, eat. DRINK WATER! hunger is often disguised by thirst. drink some water and see if you still are hungry. and STAY ACTIVE. make exercise fun and you’ll never want to miss a day!

trick or treat!

happy halloween friends!

i’ve never been a huge fan of halloween — not sure why, maybe it’s because i’m kinda over seeing girls try so hard to wear less and less clothing each year and expose their bodies (i think it’s sad how EVERYONE knows halloween is a time for girls to find THE sluttiest costume…gross ladies, let’s maintain SOME class?! it’s literally a running joke in society…isn’t that kind of sad that when someone says “Halloween” people automatically think “slutty women?!” i think it’s sad, but that’s just the feminist in me!) and halloween is just another excuse for people to forget who they are and drink too much, party too hard, and make stupid decisions…but despite all that, i decided to embrace the holiday and add a little spice to everyone’s lives and dressed up this morning for my bootcamp workout.

gotta admit, it can be fun to step out of your own skin for a bit and try something else on for size. let’s use that metaphor for our own lives…

what is it that you want to be or do that you aren’t being or doing? why don’t you try that mask on for a while? who do you want to be that you aren’t? put yourself out there. do something you’ve never done. be the change you wish to see. it takes guts to dress up on halloween…at least i think it does! what if you look like an idiot? what if no one really dresses up? what will they think? WHOOOO CARES!! own that costume and make everyone jealous that they aren’t as fun as you! 😉

And the same with our lives…what if we did that thing we’ve always wanted to do…and it doesn’t work? or we fail? or we don’t like it? or people judge me?

Take a chance. Do one thing a day that scares you. Make a positive change. LEAD your dreams, don’t follow them. If your dreams don’t scare you, maybe they aren’t big enough. Don’t live your life being afraid to fail.

So on this Hallow’s Eve, I leave you with this…November starts tomorrow, take a chance and do something positive and new. Add a healthy habit. Be kinder. Accomplish that goal you’ve always had in the back of your head. better yet, SET GOALS! and don’t be afraid to change for the better, let it change you and make you the person you’ve always dreamed of being!

Hope everyone enjoys their Halloween. Be safe and smart! Don’t eat too much candy!

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